An Open and Broken Heart

lotus2I opened my heart. I was vulnerable and okay with the fear and it really did take me to a different place. I was safe and it felt good to trust. There was rosiness. ROSINESS! And I didn’t feel quite so broken and my heart felt full. I cried happy tears and fell asleep with a smile on my face.

And then the next morning the universe rewarded me with breaking my open heart. In a completely different, but somewhat related area, my life shifted. An area that has been rocky and challenging for all of my adult life fell apart/shattered/exploded. It was shocking but not unexpected, and a very long time coming.

And I get the lesson, I really do, but it doesn’t make the hurt easier. Once I could be truly open and trusting it was time to let go of what was no longer serving me. And it was in that moment that I could open my heart to something new and scary that the old truly, completely, no-doubt-about-it didn’t serve me anymore. I did think I would get a little more time, though. The next morning, really?  It hadn’t served me in years, but it was comfortable and known. I knew it like a grungy bathrobe with holes and rips. It was an easy place to be in its own way.

So here I am with an open and broken heart and I’m raw and feeling like the world is a big and scary place and I’m not driving I’m just riding and I believe in sitting with the pain and I’m wishing with everything that I’ve got that I can just crawl under the covers, or under the bed and hide and maybe numb my pain. But I believe in telling my story with my whole heart and I believe that the uncomfortable place is where the growth begins and I believe in continually growing and in spiritual maturity. My pain tells me that spiritual maturity sucks and growth is hugely over-rated. But here I am and I have a choice. And then I remember that it probably doesn’t matter which branch of the twisty path I take because they’re all going to get me to the same place and then I remember that the only driving I get to do is to decide do I want the road to be bumpy and full of potholes or would I rather take the smoother, possibly more direct path. That’s it. The universe decides where I’m going, I just get to choose how I’d like to get there.

And maybe it shouldn’t be and maybe it wouldn’t have been last year, but right now in this moment it’s comforting and I feel safe again.It’s a weird place for me, but I’m going to  accept it and see what the next bend in the road looks like.

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