A few weeks ago I asked what if. What if? I was asking what it would look like to live with my whole heart. What if I could let go of my fear and truly embrace an open heart?
A friend called me on it. Whenever I’ve been scared over the last few weeks she asks me What If? She’s a little more subtle than that, but she keeps bringing it up and she shares how that thinking has changed things for her. Be careful what you put out there, right? Cause now I have some accountability.
With these conversations the question has expanded. The question is now, not only living with a healed heart, but what would that actually look like?
And also….What if everything turns out the way I want? What if I get the life/job/love I truly desire. What if I heal my heart and live well and happy? What if I get these things and I’m still scared?
I don’t have answers and I don’t think I’m supposed to. But the question is giving me hives. It’s so exciting/scary/exhilarating that it takes my breath away.
I’ve spent a lot of my life with this interesting story running through my head that I didn’t even realize was there. That’s great for other people, not for me. I grew up in a family that was so different than everyone else’s that it was ingrained from a young age. Some things really were different like being mixed in a mostly white neighborhood/school/side of town. And some just seemed that way because of the secrets behind abuse and violence.
Living with a whole heart was part of that story. That’s great for Christa who seems like she has a really great life, but that’s not who I’m supposed to be. Jim seems like he’s really happy/compatible/well-matched in his love life, but that’s not in the cards for me.
And it wasn’t self-pity, not actively. I just honestly thought that other people could have true love/good lives/great jobs, but I had too much drama/trauma/brokenness. Now, at 44 that thinking is shifting.
I recently read an article by the wise Pema Chodron and she touched on the concept of being awake and likened it to being in a box with a slit. We can only see the world out of the slit.
That’s the extent of our perspective. As we become more awake the slit becomes bigger and our perception of reality gets wider, cause we can see more. That’s how it feels with my heart opening. As I let go of the story and let my heart open a little bit more, the slit gets wider and what I perceive to be possible for my frightened open heart becomes bigger.
Get this. She calls this lighter, easier, more open space enlightenment. Who knew?