Starting Over

I’ve been playing with this idea of starting over. Six weeks ago my life flew apart. I had some decisions to make. Things were changing. Can you really start over at 44? Can I begin again with kids, exes and a truckload of baggage? While my kids ground me, they also anchor me to relationships that sometimes I’d rather not have. Mother-in-law.

So I’ve struggled with this idea of starting over. It terrifies me. I’ve been frozen in indecision. I suppose I could be looking at it like it’s freeing. I’ve tried, believe me. I would love to feel free instead of feel fearful.

So, after struggling for awhile I finally looked to my yoga practice. Yes, it should be simple and automatic to fall easily into my teachings. Some of them I do. I know to get on the mat. I know to listen deeply. I’ve learned to lean into the pain. I eat well, I dress comfortably, I believe in my body’s wisdom. And yet, I often find the need to  struggle, be uncomfortable, resist and wallow before I look deeply into my practice.In this way I accept my humanness.

So today while reading and meditating I remembered two things about the teachings. First, that yoga is transformation. Transformation is always happening. So while I may like the grand title of Starting Over this is no grand experience. Rather, we are constantly changing and transforming. Hollywood likes to glorify it, Think; Eat, Love, Pray, The Holiday, Pretty Woman, Sweet Home Alabama, even Gone With The Wind. Don’t we just love Scarlett, standing in the dregs, declaring that “tomorrow is another day.”? We believe in the power of the new day. We love thinking each of us has within our power to wake up and turn it around. We love to watch women struggle and turn their lives around. We love to feel good about it. We love the happy, feel good ending. What we don’t like to focus on is the fear.

The fear can be huge. The fear can be debilitating. The fear is uncomfortable, messy and yucky. Yoga has taught me that being messy is good. Not something just to tolerate, but something that we want to run into. Big thinkers like Seth Godin and Brene Brown remind me that messiness is where we’re productive, where we’re creative and we’re innovative. Am I going to change the world because I’m scared? Maybe. But undoubtedly I am innovative in my own life when I’m terrified.

So the answer? Am I Starting Over? I’m not completely sure. This I know.

I will survive this difficult time. I most likely will have a better life because of it. I will lean into the fear and feel the now of the moment, cause there’s nothing like fear to bring you into the present. Change is inevitable and constant. It’s the willingness and openness to do something different that connects us to our higher good.

Probably the biggest thing yoga has taught me is to do what I know. Every day that I feel lost or scared I know to meditate, to connect, to get on the mat. Every day that I sit in meditation, every day that I get on the mat I’m a little bit different. I come to the practice with beginner’s mind. With the same earnestness I approach transformation with beginner’s mind. So, I guess in a way I really am starting over.


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